Polyanna’s Musings: Near Outing due to Outrage
I have to say there have been occasions in the last two weeks, where I have nearly outed myself as poly in a very public way. I am not out as a general rule. I don’t introduce myself at my children’s school saying, “Hi, I am PolyAnna and I am polyamorous.” Certain parts of my social media life, are not poly. I am preparing to come out to my brother but not the entire world.
Or so I thought.
My main reason for being private about my life, is I am a private person and what I do in private really doesn’t matter. Or it shouldn’t matter. I also am worldly enough to know that it does matter and that coming out as poly could have very real social and professional ramifications. At the end of the day it isn’t anyone’s business and my relationship choices should not matter.
But lately I think it does matter. It does matter that I am poly. I am a good person, I pay my taxes, I love my partners, I read to my kids, I bake, I cook, I craft, I write and I sew. I put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else.
I love my husband, my partner, and am contemplating what could a beautiful and interesting journey with a woman, I have been crushing on for a year. I have an amazing and deeply loving relationship with my BFF. What could be even more beautiful? My partner, my husband and my new crush know each other and even better, my kids know them too.
My life is full of deep loves, beautiful and loving and loyal friends, I belong to the most amazing and honest book club ever and I know from the bottom of my heart that if something were to happen while my husband is traveling, that I would not be alone and I would be taken care of. My world is awash with radical honesty. My extended poly family came to the funeral home on an amazingly crappy, rainy night and most of them had never my parent, but they came there to take care of me. My partner made a special trip to see me, when really I wasn’t in the state to be seen.
This is the family I have. It is full of love and fidelity and support and loyalty.
As the media continued to harp on Newt Gingrich and repeatedly talked about his “open relationship” I felt my blood boil. Newt is not an ethical non-monogamist. Not even close. He is a cheater and while cheating is, in my opinion, the most widely practiced form of non-monogamy in the world, it is not ethical. It is lying. It is fundamentally disloyal, and it is the antithesis of what I am practicing in my poly family.
My husband could have taken the path Newt took. He could have taken up with that coworker he was attracted to and he could have hidden it from me very easily, at the time I was very busy with a new baby and a very demanding career. He could have walked the path that many men and women walk every day.
But he didn’t. He honored me with the truth. He did not take my choices away. He came to me in naked honesty, not knowing what I might say or do, but he trusted I loved him and I would listen to his truth.
That is how one begins an open relationship. That is how one takes the path of ethical non-monogamy.
So while I didn’t, I surely wanted to post on my Facebook page, “You want to see what ethical non-monogamy looks like? Well you have been looking at it for over 6 years and it looks nothing like what Newt has done over the course of his life. He stands repeatedly in judgment on what is “moral” all the while he cannot even be honest with his wife and children.”
So maybe it is time for me to come out. To just buy the T-shirt and let the world know, you want to know what radical honesty and ethical polyamory looks like, well here it is.
I just don’t know…