Poly Fallacies #4

Sex is not such a big deal.

I have been told since my hippie days that sex is nothing but a simple physical act, and for much of my life, I believed it. It went like this: You insert Tab A in Slot B. Nothing complicated or difficult about that. Even if you expand your repertoire to Tabs A through D and slots A through E, or however inventive you may get, it is still not rocket science to figure out any of the variations. Touch me here… it feels good! What’s difficult about that? It’s more fun than aerobics, but it’s just physical activity… with a partner. People who make sex into a big issue are just getting wrapped up in unnecessary drama. They are taking the fun out of life, for no good reason, right?


Sex is more than that. Sex is two (possibly more) people interacting with each other, and while it can be wonderful, it is not simple.

I have been writing and teaching about sexual topics for years, and if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that sex is complicated. (Yes, one does actually learn by teaching. I recommend it highly.) I have discovered that much of what I taught when I was younger seems immature and basic now. What I once taught as myth I now see as fact, and some of my “facts” now are little more than myth. It may be true that the physical acts that we call “sex” are simply described, but the physical act of sex is only scratching the surface of the dynamics involved.

Now let’s throw in the risk of 21st century realities. When you have unprotected sex with someone, you are taking on the equivalent risk of having sex with every person that they have ever had sex with, and by extension, every person every one of them has had sex with, and on it goes. With the potential risks involved today, I would think twice, and think again, before I took that step.

Assuming that you have dealt with the risk in some way that the safety level has become acceptable in your eyes, now we’re down to the point where we can just rub some well lubricated body parts together and all feel happy, right? No, not really. The longer I am at it, the more I realize the importance of that indefinable “connection” between the people involved. There is an aspect to that connection that cannot be measured or easily explained, but it transforms the physical act of sex into something that feels more spiritual or magical.

I have reached the point in my life where I want that magic, every time. I crave it. It is when I feel most alive, most connected to all of myself. If I have to settle for something less than that, I’d just as soon “take matters into my own hands,” so to speak. To have that magic, I have to trust that person, and they have to trust me, and for that we need a connection that runs deeper than physical touch. I won’t settle for less.

THAT, dear reader, is a big deal.

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